Slap in the Face

I believe there are times in life where God chooses to slap us across the face, wake us up, and remind us that all we take for granted isn't guaranteed. We need to be thankful for the gifts we're given. 

I had one of those moments this weekend in what can only be described as the most terrifying experience of my life. And what makes it that much harder to swallow is that it was the result of a few stupid mistakes on my part that almost cost me more than I can ever imagine. 

I've said this before, this blog is therapeutic for me. It enables me to process all of the feelings and emotions parenthood and life in general has to offer. I don't sugar coat things and I don't pretend to be the perfect parent. I know I'm far from it. But I share my journey with all of you in hopes that someone will find comfort in the fact that they aren't alone in this mess of a life. None of us are infallible and we need to understand and support one another in that reality. 

I've been struggling the last couple days with my "slap in the face" event. I've been emotionally exhausted, drained, but so thankful that I have my children to hug, love, and hold on to. I will be forever indebted to whoever was watching over us on Sunday. 

Many of you know that I have what could be called an adventurous spirit. I like to be outdoors, active, exploring new areas, and I don't like to be cooped up at home for any length of time. Well, last week I was on my own with the 3 kids, as happens quite often when you're a military wife. In light of that, I try to do things by myself or with friends, regardless of whether Nic is home or not. Because you can't plan your life part-time and I refuse continually cancel and post-pone things if the jet breaks unexpectedly or the trip is extended. For the sanity of my kids and myself, we try to live life as if daddy were here all the time and when he's not we usually don't change our plans. 

Well, after being stuck indoors most of last week, with Xander sick and afternoon temperatures in the 100s. I decided that on Sunday, enough was enough. With the forecast of 106* in Vacaville, I packed up the kids and headed to Berkeley. It's only an hour away and there is large park we've been meaning to explore that has a lake and a swim beach and the temps in Berkeley were only supposed to top out at 84*. It was going to be the perfect day. 

And the trip started that way too. The kids were great in the car on the way down. In fact, Xander and Ella both slept the whole ride and Cole kept me company with his entertaining questions and comments as always. Once we arrived at the park and found the lake, I unpacked the kids and all of our stuff for the beach and loaded up our double BOB stroller; which I always bring on outdoor adventures when I'm not too sure about the terrain because it holds up pretty well to most anything. 

So, I head for the beach with the kids and all of our stuff piled on the stroller. It was shortly after 10 and when we got down to the beach area, I realized it wasn't opening until 11 because the lifeguards and fire personnel were conducting some water training. No big deal, I tell Cole we're going to walk down the path along the lake and check the area out before we play on the beach. As we walk along the path we come to a bridge that leads to a dirt path continuing along the lake, so we take it. As we're walking on the dirt path, Cole walks down the fairly steep embankment to check out the water temperature. So I face the stroller to the lake for Xander and Ella to see the water as well. 

As Cole is at the edge of the water testing it out, I decide to take a picture. In that moment, which I have been replaying in my head a million times over, I have a lapse in judgement. To begin with, I don't have the stroller leash on my arm, that I always wear while running. Secondly, I don't lock the breaks. As I grab the camera and start messing with the settings, I see the stroller start to creep forward and by the time it registers what is going on, I try to grab the handle and it takes off. The embankment is about 5 feet long, steep packed dirt with large, sharp rocks sticking out here and there until the edge of the water. Once at the edge of the water, the lake is filled with the same large, sharp boulders lining the edges and bottom. 

The stroller that is just out of reach is rolling, quickly, toward the water - it was awful... that is the only word I have to describe the moment in which you see the inevitable happening and you have no way to stop it. 

As I run after it, I'm screaming "No". Just as the stroller approaches the water, the front wheel hits the line of large rocks at the edge of the lake and the back starts to come over the front and flip. I can't remember exactly what happened, but I grabbed it just as Ella and Xander entered the water and I tried to pull it up, but I was falling over the rocks and couldn't get stable on my feet to brace myself with enough leverage that I could flip it back, so I dove onto the rocks under the stroller. I was in the water, pushing the stroller up by the center bar with both kids soaked and screaming, dangling in their harnesses just above the water. I was screaming, frantically, for help. 

I will never forget the feeling of helplessness I had in that moment.

There were several people along the lake that came running to our aid. They helped pull the stroller off me and from the water.  A couple of them helped with the kids; watching Cole, holding Xander and calming him, while I held Ella. I was so distraught that I could barely catch my breath. It was awful.  

The lifeguards on the beach heard us and swam over to help and the firemen who were training came around the lake and checked out the kids, listening for water in their lungs. Now, as I look back, I am so thankful for everyone who was there. For the people who's names I will never know that helped calm all of my children and myself. For the firemen and lifeguards and park police who were kind enough to ensure we were all ok and help us round up all of our scattered belongings and get back to the car.  

My physical cuts and bruises from the ordeal will heal long before the emotional scars of the day. But, thankfully, someone was watching over us and I was able to return home from such a frightening experience with 3 kids that are just as healthy, happy, and content as they were when we left that morning. 

I, on the other hand, may continue to struggle with this guilt for some time. It's been a long and exhausting few days, but Nic made it home this morning and I was able to get some sleep and talk through everything. Thankfully, he was kind enough to give me a good 2 days before making any smart ass comments - which for him is pretty impressive. 

But, all in all, the theme of this blog is that you shouldn't beat yourself up for the little parenting mistakes. Things could always be worse and tonight I'm thanking my lucky stars that my wake up call didn't result in any permanent damage to my children or myself. For I'm not sure I could have ever forgiven myself if things had turned out differently. 

Complete

It seems unreal that we welcomed Ella into our family 4 weeks ago. In some ways the time seems to be flying by, but then again I can't imagine life without her. She completes us.

I feel like this whole journey through pregnancy and delivery was a test of our family's resiliency, determination, and acceptance.

From finding out that we were able to get pregnant without fertility treatments, to the 20 week ultrasound telling us the baby would have a cleft, to the specialists telling us that there was no cleft, but there was a dilated kidney that would need to be monitored, to the endless nights of heartburn, to the aches and pains from getting bigger while caring for two kids, to postponing my c-section date because of my stubbornness in wanting to have a VBAC, to welcoming my first and only stretch marks the day after that canceled c-section date :(, to asking everyone for your thoughts and prayers to make me go into labor when my due date passed, to going into labor the night before my 2nd c-section date, to 12 hours of labor with no progress, to finally throwing my hands up, taking the hint, and having the c-section...

To the moment Nic was able to announce that the baby was a GIRL...

To the doctors telling me as they stitched me back up that this would need to be my last pregnancy because my uterine wall was paper thin by the old scar tissue and I was extremely lucky that the VBAC attempt had failed.

I have no doubt that this journey was guided down a specific road, meant just for us. We were given opportunities to test our faith in each other, our resiliency and determination as a family, and our limitations. I feel like through all the ups and downs we have embraced both the good and the bad and been able to find the positives, no matter what the odds.

So, now that we are, without question, complete. I have no hesitation is saying that I am thankful for each of the wonderful and unique children that I have been blessed with. My family has taught me more than I could ever fathom and continues to do so on a daily basis.

From trying to calm a special needs child that is dealing with jealousy issues he doesn't comprehend, to answering the tough questions of a 4 year old who is now realizing that because Ella is a baby, Xander is a big boy and why is it that he can't walk and talk. I'm learning each day how to ease this transition and at the same time trying to shape my children into the caring, understanding adults that I hope they will become.

Sure there are times that it's hard to keep from crying. Like after Ella came home and Cole was with me in the living room, out of the blue he told me that we needed to take Xander to the doctor, because now he was a big boy and he needed to talk. But I made it through that first statement, which caught me completely off guard, without losing my emotions and over the past several weeks have continued to field similar questions regarding walking and talking. I'm not naive and I know that the questions will only get more complicated from here, but I feel like this early foundation I'm trying to establish of appreciating the differences in everyone will be the key to future, more challenging topics.

And don't think it's any easier with Xander. In fact, it may be harder to watch him struggle, because I can't talk him through it. Which is exactly the reason I was so stubborn when it came to scheduling the c-section. I foresaw how difficult it would be for him.

Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if your primary care giver, the person you rely on for every meal, movement, activity, drink, etc... All the sudden leaves, only to come back and be unable to lift and assist you, and has a new little baby in tow, it's sure to be a shock. Especially for a child who is just beginning to assert himself, yet doesn't have the ability to understand what's happening.

The whole situation has brought me to tears several times, because I know how angry he was with me those first few weeks and I can imagine how hurt and neglected he felt. But I kept my head up and have been trying my best to carve out time for just Xander and I throughout the day. And I'm really happy to report that it seems to be working and this past week has gotten much better. We are finding a new rhythm to life.

So, as we continue to embrace this new path and cross the rivers as we come to them. I'll keep you all in the loop. But for now, we're enjoying each day, counting our blessings, and looking forward to what the future holds!

Thoughts of the Night

Insomnia - really it isn't a great thing when you have two little kids to keep up with all day, but I'll look at tonight's as an opportunity to catch-up on life, thoughts, and words.

Only 3 weeks left until we meet baby number 3 and while part of me is excited and impatient, another part of me is content to just sit back and enjoy the little time I have left with my 2 boys, before we introduce the chaos of another child, even more sleepless nights, and a new family dynamic!

My exhaustion over the last few months has kept me from updating all of you and I apologize for leaving you hanging. It seems as though my best processing, as of lately, is occurring in the shower, which is not the most conducive environment in which to write a blog. I've also been finding it hard to find the time and energy to return simple phone calls and texts, let alone steal away an hour or so of uninterrupted "me time" to pour my heart out.

So, again, I apologize and I'll view tonight as an opportunity to spend time with myself and I won't dwell on the fact that tomorrow may require more than my allotted 1 cup of coffee to get through the day.

I guess I'll start with one of the big updates we've gotten over the last few weeks. Xander's genome sequencing results came back and he has officially been diagnosed with Mowat-Wilson Syndrome. Which to us is a huge relief. It means that we weren't barking up the wrong tree for the last year and a half and more importantly, we haven't been overlooking any other underlying issue.

It also brings a type of closure to that part of our battle - we now know, without a doubt, where we belong. However, that being said, the diagnosis itself really doesn't provide us with any more answers. We do know that his specific deletion within a single gene on chromosome two is a "de novo mutation," meaning that it is a new mutation and neither Nic nor I passed it on, so the likelihood of us having another child with MWS or Cole being a carrier and passing the syndrome to his children are similar to the general population, which seeming as there are only 250-300 cases of MWS worldwide - is pretty slim!

Given the fact that we are expecting number 3 in a few short weeks and didn't wait for this year long process to culminate before choosing to continue on with our lives and our family plans, this news is nice reinforcement that we made the correct choice by not letting the fear and uncertainty of possibly having another child with this challenge rule our lives. And to be quite honest - Xander is such a joy to have in our lives, that if we were to face this challenge with another, I'm confident that we would do so with grace and style.

In fact, lately one of the things that I have really been itching to process in my own mind is the fear that I see again and again from people who don't have special needs children of what they would do or how they would handle the situation if it were dealt to them. In some ways I completely understand, because I was there once. Before children, I couldn't imagine what it would be like having to raise a child who was different or challenged. I used to think that those parents had a strength I could never achieve. In other ways, it breaks my heart. It's not that I take it as a personal attack on my son, because in my logical mind I know that it's not. But, when you have a child with special needs and you continually hear people saying that they wish for nothing but a healthy child, healthy child, healthy child... it starts to eat away at you. I know the intention isn't to offend, but really - in a way it seems as though they're saying "I wouldn't want your child".

It's not an easy place to be in and until you have a child with special needs yourself or god forbid, there is an accident or an illness that leaves your healthy child with new challenges - you won't fully understand. But what I can tell you is that love for your children is blind and unconditional. I love my kids so much it hurts, just the same as all of you, and my love for Xander is no less than it is for Cole and will be no less than it is for this new baby, because love doesn't discriminate.

That's the part I think that people on the outside have a hard time comprehending. It may seem difficult when looking in that you can love a child who is unable to walk and talk as much as you can love a child that is able to hold a conversation and participate in all of the activities that you enjoy - but I'm here to say that you most certainly can, because it's your child and you love them for who they are, not for who you think they should be or maybe sometimes wish they would be. You love them for their smile, their laugh, each little aspect of their personality that makes them special and unique to you.

I'm also here to say that if faced with the possibility that you may have a child that's unhealthy or not "typical", life won't end. You will find joy and love in that child, just as you would any other. Because the love of a parent for their child has no bounds and although it may frighten you and you won't be sure where you will find the strength to carry on at times - it will be there. You will grieve for the child you always dreamed of having, you will get angry from time to time, and then you will embrace the amazing and wonderful child that you were given and continue on in your new role, as one of those parents you always viewed with admiration for the thought that if you were dealt that situation, you could never handle it - and look at you now - not only surviving, but striving.

Ok - now I've gotten myself way off on a tangent, but I needed to get some of that off my chest, because it's been eating away at me lately. And I'm by no means attacking anyone specifically, Between the birth boards that I have been part of during this pregnancy, friends, and friends of friends, I have been counseling so many people lately regarding having kids with special needs or the possibility of having them, that I've been waiting for a moment in time when I could process all that's been going through my head as I try to help frightened and uncertain parents through a difficult journey.

Well, tonight is my time and you are just coming along for the ride - so buckle up!

What I can tell you is that each journey of a special needs family and parent is unique, just as each child is unique. So if you're reading this and you're a parent of a special needs child. I'm not claiming to know it all or that my experiences and feelings align completely with yours. But, this is my reality. I'm sharing what it means to me, through my perspective, to be in my shoes. I will tell you that sometimes when I look at other parents with special needs children I have the same feelings many of you do. I look at their situation or challenges and I think - "wow, I'm glad that's not me because I'm not sure if I could be that strong." So, don't feel alone or on the outside if you truly can't grasp what I'm saying when I swear to you that if you were in my situation you could do this too.

We all feel it, even those of us who walk the path everyday. Because we are walking the path with love and like I said before, love is blind. We love our children for who they are, regardless of their needs and challenges, they make us better people - typical or not. Your children make you a better person, as do mine. But when we see something that is unknown to us, it is frightening and we may not initially see the love that is there, but only the burdens that seem to come along with the situation. That is the problem - if you look at any relationship for only the burdens and hardships - anything would seem hard. Because every relationship is trying and takes work, but if you embrace people and understand where they are coming from, who they are, and start to see them for all they have to offer, you understand the gifts they have to share and before you know it - it's not hard anymore. It's not scary and you can completely embrace the idea that if dealt a different hand, you would rise to the occasion too and you could become one of those parents that you never thought you could be.

Wow - I'm on a role of getting off track tonight! There is one more thing that I wanted to share about Xander's diagnosis though, before I go. So, as I was saying the MWS has been confirmed, but I hinted that it still doesn't quite leave us with a lot of answers and what I mean by that is his specific micro-deletion within the ZEB2 gene is unique. The lab has never seen another in that specific spot on the gene. So,basically, there is no other known case that is exactly like Xander's, Meaning that although we do know where we fit in, we don't know for sure how it will effect him and what symptoms may or may not present themselves over time. For example, most all MWS kids have seizures and "knock on wood" he hasn't yet. He's also pretty healthy and lately is making huge strides (for hiim) with is ability to communicate and social interactions.

So, all in all, we are going to enjoy this small victory while we continue down this path of unknowns with a smile on our faces, thankful for the family we have, the children we love, the friends that support us, and the little one who is about to enter this oh so crazy world of ours!

Thank you all for taking this journey with me tonight... if my calculations are right Xander should be up in about 10 minutes - so, here's to four hours of sleep, a baby arriving in less than 3 weeks, and a strong cup(s) of coffee!

Are you sure Thursday wasn't April 1st?

If someone had told me it was April on Thursday, I wouldn't have doubted them for a second.

Nic and I headed up to Sacramento for our ultrasound with the specialists, hoping for only a diagnosis of a cleft lip, but preparing ourselves for additional concerns as well. Because, in all honesty, it seems like with our babies its always been one hurdle after another.

Don't get me wrong, I love hurdles. They might not always be easy to get over, but they keep me on my toes and they are constant reminders of the amazing children I am blessed to love and who love me in return. Besides, I'm pretty accustomed to them at this point. In fact, I'm not sure what my life would look like without them, which is why it's always suspect when one gets removed.

Which brings me back to our appointment. It couldn't have started any better. The doctor who saw us was the same one who delivered Xander after I was transferred to Sacramento for my emergency c-section almost two years ago. He is amazing under pressure and I have full confidence in his ability and knowledge as a physician, which instantly put me at ease - not an easy task when the doctor is trying to predict the future challenges of your unborn child.

Nonetheless, it was the best possible scenario from the moment we walked into his office and it only got better. During the ultrasound he explained everything to us and walked us through each organ, structure, etc... finding everything normal. Finally, he zeroed in on the cleft and like some crazy April Fool's joke said "I'd bet the farm on it that this baby doesn't have a cleft".

Umm... "What?"

Nic and I were in shock. We still are. How can a cleft be there one minute and then 2 weeks later not be? And what kind of ultrasound techs and doctors (there were 4 total, all conversing, at our first appointment) wouldn't be able to double check one another close enough to raise a red flag that "hey, maybe we don't have a good enough picture or the proper angle to make that diagnosis at this point"??

So, besides my frustration and complete loss of respect for the ultrasound techs and doctors in that department at our base hospital, I am happy to say that a hurdle has been removed for our little one and us!

Although Nic and I are keeping our celebration to a minimum, because we both fear it might be some cruel joke. I am happy to share that we have returned to the status of a non high-risk pregnancy and a healthy baby.

So, thank you everyone for your support, encouragement, prayers, and understanding over the last couple of weeks. We look forward to sharing the rest of our journey with you - and hopefully, the hurdle that has been removed didn't leave a giant chasm in its wake. (Keeping our fingers crossed)

Round 3

"All aboard for round 3"

I should have seen it coming, maybe then it would lose some of its shock value. But I didn't. I figured we had paid our dues in a way, but the cards are yet again, stacked against us from the beginning. It seems that we are now on round 3 for babies who require specialists from birth and round 2 for clefts.

I'm 20 weeks with baby 3 and Friday was our "gender" ultrasound. We've chosen to not find out the sex of this baby, but the ultrasound did reveal that we will be having another child with a cleft. I wish that I knew more at this time, but that's really all the information we have until we see the specialists in Sacramento sometime in the coming weeks.

I'm just writing to ask that you keep us in your prayers. Hopefully it will be nothing more than an isolated, cosmetic issue like Cole's was, but there's always that fear with a cleft that it's related to a larger syndrome, which we may not know until birth.

While processing this during the last few days and going through, yet again my short grief period of losing that "perfect" baby we all hope for, I will say that I've found my peace. As I stated before, this baby will be perfect for us, regardless of his or her needs or challenges.

I'm also lucky that I don't have to worry about all those things I remember fearing with Cole. I know that my baby will be beautiful, cleft or not, and I won't have a problem loving them for who they are. In fact, I'll probably be upset after the cleft repair surgery when they bring my baby back to me and he or she no longer looks like the child I've fallen in love with.

For those parents who've never experienced a cleft repair or a surgery that alter's your child's appearance, it may seem hard to grasp, but it's difficult to hand over your "perfect" baby to doctors who will return him or her looking different, in pain, and unable to show you that huge smile you've grown to love.

I know it won't be easy and the next few months will have their moments of difficulty. But I take solace in the knowledge that we've been there and done that - I already know the drill. I know the surgeons, I know the hospitals - heck we were just in that same waiting room 2 weeks ago - they should engrave our name on one of the benches!

But all joking aside, we are in good spirits and can only look forward to another child who will bless our family with their uniqueness.

Beauty

Busy life, that's my excuse for not writing in so long. There have been hundreds of times I've thought about sitting down and updating everyone on our lives and family, but I like to wait for ideas and events in my life to lead me to a new understanding before I compile and analyze them for all of you to see. Like I've shared before, this blog is a type of therapy for me and a way to keep all of you, both near and far, updated on our family's journey. 

The last few months have been filled with fun, exhaustion, and adjustment. First Daddy left on a deployment at the end of July, then Grandpa Gary, Carolyn, Matt, and Mike visited for a busy weekend in Lake Tahoe. That was followed by Grandma Charla and Jim and then a last minute surprise weekend visit from Aunt Shelli and baby Sidney. Finally, after Daddy's deployment was extended a few weeks, followed by another delay with the actual return jet, we welcomed him home the second week of October! 

As all of my military friends know, homecomings are filled with excitement, but also challenges as we all readjust our lives, roles, and schedules. It's all very exhausting to say the least! 

The last couple weeks with Daddy home have been filled with trips to pumpkin patches, apple picking, football, and family time. But along with all the fun, we also had to dive back into life and reality, which often involves the not-so-fun things as well. We faced another surgery for Xander last week, which is always frightening and difficult, but I'm happy to say that he was again a little trooper and is on the road to recovery. 

There are just so many things in life that happen on a day to day basis. Things that we take for granted, but when you truly sit down and examine them, each hold their own miracle of sorts and it's a wonder how we never seem to notice until something reminds us to look at the small stuff. Things like surgeries, illnesses, deaths; these all take us aback and for a moment we appreciate the beauty around us and realize what we've been given and what we truly appreciate in life. But then, we slowly slip back into routine and life moves on. We become caught up in the day to day grind where we lose sight of those small things, until the next bump in the road forces us to, again, slow down, look around, take in our surroundings, and be thankful for what we have. 

It's a vicious cycle if you ask me. Life would be so much more joyous and full of pleasure if we could all just stay in that place of appreciation, understanding, and love. But we get worn down and tired and it's not until we're forced to slow down that beauty emerges all around us, that beauty we were just speeding past, not even giving a second glance towards the day before is suddenly so brilliant. 

To me, this is the joy that defines raising a special needs child. To others it may seem that life is full of adversity and disappointment. But in reality, life with a special needs child is slowed down in a way. Through their eyes you see beauty everyday that the rest of us only notice in times of loss or hardship. It is in that beauty, that pure, uninhibited joy that you find the purpose of life on a day to day basis and are truly thankful that you've been given the honor to raise such an amazing human being. 

The idea for this blog came to me today while chatting with other families of MWS kids. And like I've been told and read a hundred times. Although I love Xander and would not change him for the world, there come moments where the smallest of things happens and you find yourself back in that dark place of loss and grieving that you thought you had escaped. Even though I've accepted and embraced Xander's uniqueness and his challenges. In the blink of an eye, something pulls you back. I have noticed that as time moves forward it easier to navigate my way out, but it always catches me off guard and I always hate that, even for a moment, I find myself longing for the child that I thought I was supposed to have.

A moment just as I have described happened only a few weeks ago. I had a friend over for dinner and she brought her kids. It was like any other night and we were all having a great time. She has a daughter slightly older than Cole and a son, just a bit older than Xander. Well, in the aftermath of dinner as we were all sitting around visiting. Before we knew it, the ottoman turned into a race track and Cole was playing with her little boy, racing cars and trains and airplanes around and around. It was a beautiful thing to watch. They were both having such a good time. After my friend headed home that night and I was getting the kids upstairs for bed, Cole asked if her little boy could come over to play again and although I had felt a tiny bit of sadness while I was watching them play, his question took me over the edge. Just like that, I was brought back to that place of loss and grief over the idea of the family I was supposed to have. 

Xander will be 2 in about 6 weeks and sometimes it kills me that he isn't yet able to play with his brother like I had imagined brothers playing at this age. When I was pregnant with him and found out we would be having another boy, I was so ecstatic. Picturing the trouble he and Cole would get into and the relationship they would have. And although I am so thankful for the relationship they do have, because it is stronger than I could ever describe, I still struggle with the idea of what could have been. 

Today a mother on my MWS group was at a low point with her daughter's struggles and I found myself offering supportive advice and encouragement. Because that is what we do. When we're at a low point, a time when we sometimes wish we had had that other child, we share our struggles and then we rally around each other and remind one another of the wonderful gifts that are our children. And it helps to be the one pointing out all of their strengths. It also helps to know that we aren't alone and those times of loss sneak up on each of us and it's ok. 

So, I want to take a moment to thank all of you. My friends, family, MWS family, everyone for all the support and understanding that you have shown us on our journey and continue to show us. Life isn't easy for any of us, but if we remind ourselves to slow down and enjoy the beauty in our surroundings and the simple things in life, then Xander will have taught us all a lesson. Probably the most important we will ever learn.  

Elephant in the Room

To call this a whirlwind summer would be an understatement. We've been going non-stop, but now that Daddy's left on his deployment and we've gotten things back in order from our Michigan adventure, I feel like we're starting to get into the swing of things and set up a routine of sorts. Thankfully, the kids don't seem to be nearly as impacted by our inconsistency as I have been!

Xander has been doing great work, even though he took a 3 week hiatus from all therapy and doctor appointments.His newest accomplishments include transitioning from the floor to sitting, getting on hands and knees and rocking while lifting and weight-shifting hands (we're almost to creeping on hands and knees people!!), sitting on our bottom and using our heels to spin in circles (have to make sure we don't miss anything!), and I'm also happy to report that he's been doing so well with different food and textures that our feeding therapy has been cut back to once a month, instead of weekly.

WOW - can you believe it!! It's only been about a month and a half since my last post and I have four significant things to share - that's lightning speed around here people!! I couldn't be happier and more proud of him.

Michigan was such a breath of fresh air for all of us and we have countless friends and family to thank for that. Cole was in heaven with room to run and explore at his own pace. He had so much fun with family that it breaks my heart we only get that chance once or twice a year - but when it comes around it is well worth the wait!

Now - to address the elephant in the room... well not really as far as you guys are concerned - but as far as I'm concerned, for sure!! I've been putting off writing a blog since I got back from Michigan because I didn't want to spill the beans too early and I couldn't focus on my thoughts and feelings without sharing them! So, here's the deal - the morning before we flew back to California, we found out that #3 is on the way!!

We couldn't be more thrilled! Nic was able to go to the first appointment with me before he deployed, which ended up just being a double edged sward, because they tried to do an early ultrasound, but couldn't see the baby and detected a uterine hemorrhage - which had me really concerned... and then he had to leave... But, I'm happy to report that last week I had a follow-up appointment and was able to see the baby and hear the heartbeat and the hemorrhage is shrinking!

Whew - can I just say that with this baby, I really hope that's my scare!! Cole shocked us all at the 20 week ultrasound when we found out he was going to have a cleft and we spent the next 20 weeks on pins and needles wondering how severe it would be and if there was anything else associated with it. Xander's pregnancy was very uneventful until that last appointment when they went to take his heart rate and it was 223 - off to Sacramento I went to deliver a baby and spend 2 weeks in the NICU - no warning or indication anything was going to go amiss. So, little baby number 3 - let this be your scare for us and the next 32 weeks can be smooth sailing!!

But, regardless of what this pregnancy has in store for us, I can't wait to meet and love whatever child we are blessed with.

The last few weeks have really gotten me thinking - I always hear pregnant women say that they just wish for a healthy baby. I used to say that too, but this time around I have finally realized, that if my wishes had been granted in the past, I would have never ended up with either of the amazing children I have today. So, I'm trusting that we will be blessed with the perfect child for us. Because healthy or not, this child will join our family and help shape who we are and who we'll become. I can tell you with certainty, that had my other children been born without challenges of their own, we would be a different family altogether. A child with special needs doesn't take away from a family, they add a whole new dimension that would have never before existed.

So for that, I thank my lucky stars that my wishes with the first two were not granted and I look forward to meeting the perfect child for us in March of 2014!