Challenges

Alright, so as I was driving to UC Davis today I had all these great ideas forming in my head for what to include in my blog... now that I am sitting at the computer, finally, where have they gone??

Life is always interesting like that, you have all these great intentions and plans and somehow they never seem to work out quite like you pictured... I'm not saying that it is always worse, in fact there are lots of times that what you plan for and hope for turns out better than you ever expected it would.

Cole is a prime example! I spent many months, just about two years in fact, planning and hoping to get pregnant and once it finally happened, I couldn't have been more excited. But then starts the waiting game, where you try so hard to picture what that little baby will look like, will it be a boy or girl, will it be healthy?

I was lucky with my pregnancy, in terms of how I felt. I had it fairly easy and all seemed to finally be going as I had planned until the 20 week ultrasound. Thank goodness Nic was home for that one, because after 3 hours in the exam room, changing positions countless times, and three technicians later, we discovered that the perfect baby we were waiting on was not coming.

That was the lowest point in the whole journey, not the months of waiting and the countless negative pregnancy tests, but finding out that everything you had been waiting for may not be coming at all. I only say this because at the time of the ultrasound they detected the cleft lip - which yes, is no big deal. But in many instances a cleft lip or palate can be a symptom, if you will, of a much larger problem or set of problems and that was our fear and the fear of the doctors.

So, after having a few good cries and sharing the devistating news with our families that the baby wasn't going to be "perfect" and may have many more problems, yet unknown, we saw a specialist in Sacramento.

By the time the appointment with the specialist rolled around, Nic was TDY, so I went by myself to Sac to see the genetic counselor and the specialist. She did another ultrasound on me and was pretty happy with the results. We were incouraged by the fact that the cleft appeared to be unilateral and the palate may be intact. The other scans performed looked pretty promising that the baby was otherwise growing normally and appeared to be healthy.

The next 18 or so weeks of my pregnancy were spent with this little tidbit of information floating around in my head. I scoured the internet and books for information on clefting. Mostly I wanted to find photos of kids with clefts, before and after the surgeries. It sounds horrible, but I was trying to prepare myself for what my baby would look like when he was born. I was scared that I would have difficulty bonding or think he was ugly. I didn't know what to expect, so I wanted to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I contacted the Craniofacial Abnormalities Panel in Sacramento and scheduled our first appointment for 10 days after my due date. I drove to the office and picked up my binder of information and special bottles, just in case his palate was involved or he had feeding difficulties. Keep in mind, this was all before my third trimester even began. If I couldn't fix the problem, I was certainly going to plan and prepare for it!!

And again, those revised plans and hopes turned out better than I could have ever imagined. Cole was born with a unilateral incomplete cleft on his left side. His palate was normal and he had no difficulty feeding. All my worries about having difficulty bonding were dismissed the second I saw him. The first time he was placed on my chest, that little guy lifted his head and looked right into my eyes and I was done! It's difficult to explain the love you feel for your child and what is even more difficult to explain is how you find that love in an instant, like it has been waiting there all along.

Now, we are at that point again. Planning and waiting and hoping.

The last go around I didn't share with anyone that we were trying to have a baby. I kept hoping it would happen and bottled up my emotions as it felt like everyone around me was getting pregnant and having babies while I was still waiting... well here we go again, but this time - lucky you!! - I'm going to keep all of you in the loop so for one: people will stop asking when we're going to have the next one; and two: I won't feel so isolated, because I know that there are others out there, who have struggled to get pregnant or lost a pregnancy or a child.

This time, we have what I would already consider to be a better doctor. Even after all of the fertility drugs that I was given to concieve Cole, I never really knew what was wrong and why it was taking so long. Well, last week I had an ultrasound that revealed that I have polycystic ovaries. Wonderful!!! Not really, I had a good cry after finding that out too and then I went to one of my friend's and we cried together!

Basically, my bloodwork looks good, so there is no reason to believe that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, but I do have ovaries that look like that. My right one is coated in or full of cysts (not sure which is a more accurate discription) and my left has some, but looks much healthier. What does this mean? Basically, it means that I do and will continue to have difficulty ovulating regularly, normally, and in time for the egg to be healthy. So it will be difficult to get pregnant, if we do at all.

So, back to those plans I've been talking about. Those 3 or 4 kids that I wanted to have, close together like I was with my siblings... Let's just say it is not looking very promising at this point, but I'm not giving up hope. In fact, I am starting to believe that these struggles with fertility have given me a greater gift than I could have ever imagined.

I think because we had to wait and plan for so long with Cole, I was able to embrace every aspect of him that much more. Yes, I was still exhausted when he was an infant and I had my moments of wanting nothing more than a full night's sleep, but I had patience and was able to maintain a level of happiness and fullfillment that not many new moms can. I was greatful for each day with him and wasn't going to take any of it for granted.

Now that we have discovered this new challenge, I find myself embracing motherhood even more and savoring each new milestone and amazing discovery because I have realized that I may not be able to watch another child grow up. I will continue to hope that our family can grow, but if it isn't meant to be I want to know that I didn't miss a beat of Cole's life and I was able to enjoy every stage to the fullest.

Thanks for letting me share some intimate details of our life with you... keep your fingers crossed that someday Cole will end up with a brother or sister, but know that if that day never comes, we'll be happy with the blessings we've already been given in Cole.