Answers

Last night, as I was lying in bed, exhausted and needing sleep, my mind would not be still. I was so close to just rolling out of my comfy blanket and sitting behind the computer screen, attempting to make sense out of the different feelings and thoughts I had swirling around in my head. Needless to say, I did fall asleep and obviously never made it down to the computer or all of you would have had something fun to read this morning - that is certain.

I think the reason I have so many conflicting emotions and feelings this morning is that in a few short hours we have our follow-up appointment with Xander's Neurologist to get the results of the MRI. I know that I have been waiting for this appointment for weeks, but now that it is almost here I am so nervous. I'm not sure why, heck I don't even know what they might be able to tell us from an MRI, but it scary. It's scary that we may have some answers. It's good, but it is scary.

I think knowing what we are dealing with, in a way, will help me accept where we are, where we have been, and where we are headed, but I also think that knowing what is going on - if we do find answers to some questions today, will be hard, because all of the hope that things might change and that he might wake up one day and be like any other 10 month old baby will be dashed.

Don't get me wrong, I know that even if we don't find answers today, he won't wake up and all the sudden be developmentally on track, but it seems that even when it makes no sense, if there hasn't been a doctor who has told me specifically he will never be able to do something and will always be behind, you keep holding that sense of hope that he is just delayed and it may take longer than normal, but eventually he won't be any different from any other child.

Crazy, I know - but that small amount of crazy sometimes keeps me sane, and what am I going to do when crazy is no longer an option??

I can tell you what Xander will do. He'll find a way to make things happen - he proved that all too well this morning as he began rolling around the living room. Yep - I guess some of our physical therapy has started paying off because he can most defiantly roll from his back to his front now and although he still can't sit unassisted, he most certainly is going places!!!