Perspectives

I think it's funny how little moments can put big things into perspective when you least expect it.

I had one of those little moments this week and it has made a world of difference in my attitude and outlook. 

I have my little man, Cole, to thank for reminding me how lucky we are. 

After Xander woke up early on Monday morning. At 5:30am to be exact, I was so excited to realize that we had slept through the night and not had an hour party in our crib from 2-3 which has been the norm lately, that I didn't even realize it was before 6 again! Anyhow, Xander and I preceded with our normal Monday morning routine: solid food, bottle, pack the diaper bag, load the jogging stroller in the car, play a little. After Cole wakes up, he eats some breakfast, changes clothes, and we head out to meet my friend, Janel, with her two little ones for a nice, energizing run. 

Well, on Monday, Xander and I were all ready and 7:30 rolled around and Cole still wasn't up, so I postponed our run for half an hour. 8 o'clock, no Cole. I canceled the run thinking maybe he just really needed to sleep. 9, 10, Cole is still sleeping... Ok - what's going on? At 10:30 Cole finally comes downstairs - at which time Xander is already down for his nap, so I get some milk and cereal for Cole. About 10 bites into the cereal he sounds like he's gagging, so I run over and he starts throwing up - all over himself and me. He's scared and doesn't know what's happening, so what do I do? What any mother would do, say to heck with it and half hold him and half turn him away to try to get a majority of the mess landing on the tile! Anyhow - after that episode, we both took a bath and Cole spent the rest of his morning on the couch with water and dry cheerios to snack on. Poor little guy!!

Now, the point of my story is not the puked on experience, I'm sure we have all had that at one time or another! But the fact that when your kids are suffering, it is the worst feeling in the world. All you want to do as a parent is to somehow make it better or make the pain go away. We are truly blessed in that we don't have to struggle through that burden on a daily basis. 

One mantra I keep repeating to people when they ask about Xander is that we are lucky. I have never known a happier and healthier baby. Besides our short residence in the NICU after he was born, he has been the picture child for health. He's constantly smiling and laughing. He rarely cries and is unhappy. And he has no idea anything is wrong with him. 

That's why I say it is all about perspectives.

We are blessed in so many ways to have two boys who are happy and healthy - which is all we really have ever wanted. 

The hard part is facing the reality that we need to change the dreams and expectations we have for Xander and the process of that shift in perspective throws me into a cycle of grief and loss. It's almost as if I am grieving for the child I had planned to raise into adulthood. 

Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to have Xander and I love him so much, it's just that part of what I have always looked forward to with my kids is seeing what they become in the future, who they marry, how many kids they'll have, etc... Letting go of part of that dream for any of them at such a young age is difficult and I'm sure I will continue to struggle with it as he grows and continues to fall further behind. 

But, then I remind myself that he is happy, he is healthy, and there is no reason that he can't make a difference in the world!