I so wish that we would have been permitted to use our cameras as we welcomed Nic home. It's moments like that, when you see uninhibited joy in the eyes of a child, that make you remember what life's about. We were able to watch daddy's plane land, walk across the ramp to meet the jet, and welcome him as he came down the stairway. All while being buzzed by C-5s doing touch and goes. It was heaven for one little 3 year old boy!
As Nic came down the stairs, Cole's face lit up - he ran as fast as he could past the line of commanders welcoming the troops home and started up the stairs, meeting Nic before he even got on the ground! I realized that as the boys get older, the deployments will continue to get harder to justify and they will struggle more with the reality of daddy being gone, but the reunions will just keep getting more exciting and magical.
Xander's big moment came on Wednesday at music class. Our little man sat unassisted for most of the 45 minute class! His back was straight and he self-corrected as he came close to losing his balance a few times, all while playing with instruments. I almost started crying. I couldn't have been more excited and proud of him for all of the effort that it took to accomplish something that comes so easily to the typically developing child!
The cherry on top of this exciting week was a much needed family getaway up the coast. We stayed in a cute little cottage, on a bluff overlooking the Pacific. The kids had fun playing on the beach and hiking in the redwoods. Nic and I even fit in some whale watching from the car while the kids napped in the backseat. It was the perfect opportunity to regroup and remind ourselves how much we have to be thankful for.
Amid all of this excitement and fun, I also started reading a new book: Far From the Tree. Even though I've just finished the first chapter, it has already inspired me to question aspects of society with regard to parenting and allowing our children to develop their own identity.
As with any book, an educated person takes it with a grain of salt. You examine and question the ideas presented, knowing that the author is motivated by their own biases and beliefs. The facts outlined are probably those that support said beliefs and like anything, there are two sides to the story and contradictions to the author's position are most likely omitted from the book.
Regardless, some of the concepts have been excellent food for thought and are teaching me to appreciate my children for who they are as individuals and not for who I want them to be. One excerpt, in the first few pages really hit home: "Though many of us take pride in how different we are from our parents, we are endlessly sad at how different our children are from us."
Is it not true? That each of us strive for our own independence and autonomy, yet when we have a child the first thing we do is look for physical attributes or personality traits that reflect ourselves? We want so much for our child to be an extension of us and enjoy the things we enjoy and value what we deem important. But they are in fact their own being.
Many people who are unfamiliar with adoption and blended families have trouble imagining how parents can love all of their children equally. It brings us back to the age old debate of nature vs. nurture. What has a bigger impact on our lives and if we raise a child that is biologically different from ourselves, how much control do we have over who they will become?
But in reality, how much control do we have over who our biological children will become? I would argue that perhaps a different amount for each and every child on this planet. We, presumably, will never have an answer to the debate, because due to our own free-will and resiliency, we all interpret and react to events differently.
What is devastating for one person is met with grace and acceptance by another. Each of us is a unique individual, as are our children. Therefore, an adopted child may end up emulating and embracing the lifestyle and choices of their adoptive parents much more than a biological child of that same family would.
Perhaps that is why when a child is born with any condition that showcases the reality that they will never be an extension of oneself, it is so difficult to accept. As a parent, you must set aside all of the dreams and expectations you had developed and learn to see them as an individual with their own strengths and abilities. But it's a process and it is hard.
I think in reality all parents go through this same transition, where you come to understand that the child you created is not you, but an independent, free-willed being that will make some decisions you don't like or necessarily agree with in life.
But, those of us who have children born with special needs are thrown into that reality instantaneously and we must work harder to process it in a much shorter time frame, so we can move on and learn to love and accept the child we have for who they are.
Parenting is exciting, joyful, difficult, stressful, exhausting, and fulfilling
As with life, you must take every moment in stride, learn from your mistakes and revel in your accomplishments. It is my belief that once you let go of those desires to "reproduce" yourself in your children and embrace them for who they are, you will truly understand what a magnificent individual you have created.
In short, provide your children with a happy and stable environment, do your best to teach them acceptance and humility, and love them unconditionally. Then, sit back and celebrate the unique person they blossom into.
Beautifully spoken...
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