As I was casually browsing facebook on my phone earlier, I noticed a posting by one of my old friends and co-workers in Spokane, thanking everyone for their prayers and support during this time.
So, of course, being a facebook snooper as we all are, because why else would we be on facebook? I went to her page to try to figure out what had happened.
As I read back, at all of her wall posts over the last week, I began to cry. I felt so bad, that first of all I hadn't heard the news and second of all, that I have been spending all morning annoyed at the fact that Cole is sick and I can't take him outside to enjoy the sunny weather.
My friend's youngest child was exactly one week younger than Cole and last week she passed away. It sounds as though they are attributing it to SIDS.
I am speechless. What do you say to someone who has suffered such a loss and in such a sudden and unexpected way?
It causes you, as a mother, to question if you would be strong enough to survive something like that. It also puts things in perspective... Who cares if Cole isn't feeling well or puked on me twice yesterday. I am blessed to be his mother, caring for him when he doesn't feel well. Even when I am covered in puke, I feel how much he loves me as he clings to me when he doesn't feel well, needing to be comforted. How selfish am I that I'm annoyed he's not feeling well enough for me to go on a run...
Life has it's way of showing you the things in life that are important and the things that are not. My son, my family, my friends... those are the important things and I plan to embrace each moment I am given with a new appreciation and enthusiasm.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Challenges
Alright, so as I was driving to UC Davis today I had all these great ideas forming in my head for what to include in my blog... now that I am sitting at the computer, finally, where have they gone??
Life is always interesting like that, you have all these great intentions and plans and somehow they never seem to work out quite like you pictured... I'm not saying that it is always worse, in fact there are lots of times that what you plan for and hope for turns out better than you ever expected it would.
Cole is a prime example! I spent many months, just about two years in fact, planning and hoping to get pregnant and once it finally happened, I couldn't have been more excited. But then starts the waiting game, where you try so hard to picture what that little baby will look like, will it be a boy or girl, will it be healthy?
I was lucky with my pregnancy, in terms of how I felt. I had it fairly easy and all seemed to finally be going as I had planned until the 20 week ultrasound. Thank goodness Nic was home for that one, because after 3 hours in the exam room, changing positions countless times, and three technicians later, we discovered that the perfect baby we were waiting on was not coming.
That was the lowest point in the whole journey, not the months of waiting and the countless negative pregnancy tests, but finding out that everything you had been waiting for may not be coming at all. I only say this because at the time of the ultrasound they detected the cleft lip - which yes, is no big deal. But in many instances a cleft lip or palate can be a symptom, if you will, of a much larger problem or set of problems and that was our fear and the fear of the doctors.
So, after having a few good cries and sharing the devistating news with our families that the baby wasn't going to be "perfect" and may have many more problems, yet unknown, we saw a specialist in Sacramento.
By the time the appointment with the specialist rolled around, Nic was TDY, so I went by myself to Sac to see the genetic counselor and the specialist. She did another ultrasound on me and was pretty happy with the results. We were incouraged by the fact that the cleft appeared to be unilateral and the palate may be intact. The other scans performed looked pretty promising that the baby was otherwise growing normally and appeared to be healthy.
The next 18 or so weeks of my pregnancy were spent with this little tidbit of information floating around in my head. I scoured the internet and books for information on clefting. Mostly I wanted to find photos of kids with clefts, before and after the surgeries. It sounds horrible, but I was trying to prepare myself for what my baby would look like when he was born. I was scared that I would have difficulty bonding or think he was ugly. I didn't know what to expect, so I wanted to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I contacted the Craniofacial Abnormalities Panel in Sacramento and scheduled our first appointment for 10 days after my due date. I drove to the office and picked up my binder of information and special bottles, just in case his palate was involved or he had feeding difficulties. Keep in mind, this was all before my third trimester even began. If I couldn't fix the problem, I was certainly going to plan and prepare for it!!
And again, those revised plans and hopes turned out better than I could have ever imagined. Cole was born with a unilateral incomplete cleft on his left side. His palate was normal and he had no difficulty feeding. All my worries about having difficulty bonding were dismissed the second I saw him. The first time he was placed on my chest, that little guy lifted his head and looked right into my eyes and I was done! It's difficult to explain the love you feel for your child and what is even more difficult to explain is how you find that love in an instant, like it has been waiting there all along.
Now, we are at that point again. Planning and waiting and hoping.
The last go around I didn't share with anyone that we were trying to have a baby. I kept hoping it would happen and bottled up my emotions as it felt like everyone around me was getting pregnant and having babies while I was still waiting... well here we go again, but this time - lucky you!! - I'm going to keep all of you in the loop so for one: people will stop asking when we're going to have the next one; and two: I won't feel so isolated, because I know that there are others out there, who have struggled to get pregnant or lost a pregnancy or a child.
This time, we have what I would already consider to be a better doctor. Even after all of the fertility drugs that I was given to concieve Cole, I never really knew what was wrong and why it was taking so long. Well, last week I had an ultrasound that revealed that I have polycystic ovaries. Wonderful!!! Not really, I had a good cry after finding that out too and then I went to one of my friend's and we cried together!
Basically, my bloodwork looks good, so there is no reason to believe that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, but I do have ovaries that look like that. My right one is coated in or full of cysts (not sure which is a more accurate discription) and my left has some, but looks much healthier. What does this mean? Basically, it means that I do and will continue to have difficulty ovulating regularly, normally, and in time for the egg to be healthy. So it will be difficult to get pregnant, if we do at all.
So, back to those plans I've been talking about. Those 3 or 4 kids that I wanted to have, close together like I was with my siblings... Let's just say it is not looking very promising at this point, but I'm not giving up hope. In fact, I am starting to believe that these struggles with fertility have given me a greater gift than I could have ever imagined.
I think because we had to wait and plan for so long with Cole, I was able to embrace every aspect of him that much more. Yes, I was still exhausted when he was an infant and I had my moments of wanting nothing more than a full night's sleep, but I had patience and was able to maintain a level of happiness and fullfillment that not many new moms can. I was greatful for each day with him and wasn't going to take any of it for granted.
Now that we have discovered this new challenge, I find myself embracing motherhood even more and savoring each new milestone and amazing discovery because I have realized that I may not be able to watch another child grow up. I will continue to hope that our family can grow, but if it isn't meant to be I want to know that I didn't miss a beat of Cole's life and I was able to enjoy every stage to the fullest.
Thanks for letting me share some intimate details of our life with you... keep your fingers crossed that someday Cole will end up with a brother or sister, but know that if that day never comes, we'll be happy with the blessings we've already been given in Cole.
Life is always interesting like that, you have all these great intentions and plans and somehow they never seem to work out quite like you pictured... I'm not saying that it is always worse, in fact there are lots of times that what you plan for and hope for turns out better than you ever expected it would.
Cole is a prime example! I spent many months, just about two years in fact, planning and hoping to get pregnant and once it finally happened, I couldn't have been more excited. But then starts the waiting game, where you try so hard to picture what that little baby will look like, will it be a boy or girl, will it be healthy?
I was lucky with my pregnancy, in terms of how I felt. I had it fairly easy and all seemed to finally be going as I had planned until the 20 week ultrasound. Thank goodness Nic was home for that one, because after 3 hours in the exam room, changing positions countless times, and three technicians later, we discovered that the perfect baby we were waiting on was not coming.
That was the lowest point in the whole journey, not the months of waiting and the countless negative pregnancy tests, but finding out that everything you had been waiting for may not be coming at all. I only say this because at the time of the ultrasound they detected the cleft lip - which yes, is no big deal. But in many instances a cleft lip or palate can be a symptom, if you will, of a much larger problem or set of problems and that was our fear and the fear of the doctors.
So, after having a few good cries and sharing the devistating news with our families that the baby wasn't going to be "perfect" and may have many more problems, yet unknown, we saw a specialist in Sacramento.
By the time the appointment with the specialist rolled around, Nic was TDY, so I went by myself to Sac to see the genetic counselor and the specialist. She did another ultrasound on me and was pretty happy with the results. We were incouraged by the fact that the cleft appeared to be unilateral and the palate may be intact. The other scans performed looked pretty promising that the baby was otherwise growing normally and appeared to be healthy.
The next 18 or so weeks of my pregnancy were spent with this little tidbit of information floating around in my head. I scoured the internet and books for information on clefting. Mostly I wanted to find photos of kids with clefts, before and after the surgeries. It sounds horrible, but I was trying to prepare myself for what my baby would look like when he was born. I was scared that I would have difficulty bonding or think he was ugly. I didn't know what to expect, so I wanted to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I contacted the Craniofacial Abnormalities Panel in Sacramento and scheduled our first appointment for 10 days after my due date. I drove to the office and picked up my binder of information and special bottles, just in case his palate was involved or he had feeding difficulties. Keep in mind, this was all before my third trimester even began. If I couldn't fix the problem, I was certainly going to plan and prepare for it!!
And again, those revised plans and hopes turned out better than I could have ever imagined. Cole was born with a unilateral incomplete cleft on his left side. His palate was normal and he had no difficulty feeding. All my worries about having difficulty bonding were dismissed the second I saw him. The first time he was placed on my chest, that little guy lifted his head and looked right into my eyes and I was done! It's difficult to explain the love you feel for your child and what is even more difficult to explain is how you find that love in an instant, like it has been waiting there all along.
Now, we are at that point again. Planning and waiting and hoping.
The last go around I didn't share with anyone that we were trying to have a baby. I kept hoping it would happen and bottled up my emotions as it felt like everyone around me was getting pregnant and having babies while I was still waiting... well here we go again, but this time - lucky you!! - I'm going to keep all of you in the loop so for one: people will stop asking when we're going to have the next one; and two: I won't feel so isolated, because I know that there are others out there, who have struggled to get pregnant or lost a pregnancy or a child.
This time, we have what I would already consider to be a better doctor. Even after all of the fertility drugs that I was given to concieve Cole, I never really knew what was wrong and why it was taking so long. Well, last week I had an ultrasound that revealed that I have polycystic ovaries. Wonderful!!! Not really, I had a good cry after finding that out too and then I went to one of my friend's and we cried together!
Basically, my bloodwork looks good, so there is no reason to believe that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, but I do have ovaries that look like that. My right one is coated in or full of cysts (not sure which is a more accurate discription) and my left has some, but looks much healthier. What does this mean? Basically, it means that I do and will continue to have difficulty ovulating regularly, normally, and in time for the egg to be healthy. So it will be difficult to get pregnant, if we do at all.
So, back to those plans I've been talking about. Those 3 or 4 kids that I wanted to have, close together like I was with my siblings... Let's just say it is not looking very promising at this point, but I'm not giving up hope. In fact, I am starting to believe that these struggles with fertility have given me a greater gift than I could have ever imagined.
I think because we had to wait and plan for so long with Cole, I was able to embrace every aspect of him that much more. Yes, I was still exhausted when he was an infant and I had my moments of wanting nothing more than a full night's sleep, but I had patience and was able to maintain a level of happiness and fullfillment that not many new moms can. I was greatful for each day with him and wasn't going to take any of it for granted.
Now that we have discovered this new challenge, I find myself embracing motherhood even more and savoring each new milestone and amazing discovery because I have realized that I may not be able to watch another child grow up. I will continue to hope that our family can grow, but if it isn't meant to be I want to know that I didn't miss a beat of Cole's life and I was able to enjoy every stage to the fullest.
Thanks for letting me share some intimate details of our life with you... keep your fingers crossed that someday Cole will end up with a brother or sister, but know that if that day never comes, we'll be happy with the blessings we've already been given in Cole.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
We're Back!!!
Wow - I almost forgot that I even started this page... let's just say that the last year and a half have been pretty busy!!!
A quick recap of our life would include two deployments and countless TDYs for Nic, our son, Cole, being born, me having an ACL reconstruction surgery and spending the summer with family in Michigan while rehabbing my knee.
I can say that Cali has so far provided us with many adventures and challenges, none of which have been the least bit boring! We are constantly on the go and exploring new areas. The photo I am attempting to post on the blog (forgive me if I don't figure it out) is of Cole and I hiking in Yosemite National Park - a great trip we took as a family - spending two nights in Yosemite View Lodge and hiking/snowshoeing in the off-season. What a great time to go - not many people and beautiful scenery.
We just returned home from a week in Florida, visiting family and enjoying the Tampa area. We were also able to view our second space shuttle launch, Discovery - this is also Cole's second shuttle launch - miraculously, we always seem to be in Florida when we hear about a launch - so we drive to the Space Coast and take advantage!!!
Nic turned 31 yesterday, so we spent the morning and early afternoon wine tasting in Sonoma Valley. Not only did we check out a couple new wineries that we thoroughly enjoyed, but we were able to visit a couple (Viansa and Cline Cellars) that we had not been to together since our wine tour from San Francisco in November of 2007 after I completed the Nike Women's Marathon... long before we knew we would be living here!!
I am continually amazed by coincidences such as this in our everyday lives. You would imagine that moving as often as we do and living thousands of miles from family that one would find themselves lonely sometimes, but what those who are not in the military don't understand is that the community is relatively small and even when you don't think you know anyone - you always discover that your neighbor has the same good friend you do - even if you haven't seen that friend in years.
I think that is part of the reason I enjoy my life so much. I love being a mom and I am continually amazed by the things that Cole discovers and learns. But our lifestyle is unique and it requires you to meet new people on a daily basis and I have learned during this assignment to never pass up an opportunity to make a new friend - and that is priceless!
Before we moved to California, I was opposed to the whole idea of the military wife. I didn't think that Nic's being in the Air Force meant that I had to participate - after all, I didn't sign up for it... or then again, maybe I did and just didn't know it. But when you are working full-time and in grad school at night, the last thing I wanted to do was participate in events on-base - probably because we lived 45 minutes from base!! But after moving to California and being 5 miles from the base and becoming a stay-at-home mother for the time being, I have learned to embrace the military lifestyle and take advantage of all it has to offer. I have not been disappointed.
I have a great group of friends here, both military and not and it will be a sad day when we eventually have to pack this house and move, but I know that in time we'll run into many of these friends again.
Ahhhh - now I know that I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of all that has happened in the last year and a half, but I'm not going to dwell on the past - I will probably catch you up here and there through different stories that come up - but for now, let's focus on where we are and the future and hope that it is bright!!
A quick recap of our life would include two deployments and countless TDYs for Nic, our son, Cole, being born, me having an ACL reconstruction surgery and spending the summer with family in Michigan while rehabbing my knee.
I can say that Cali has so far provided us with many adventures and challenges, none of which have been the least bit boring! We are constantly on the go and exploring new areas. The photo I am attempting to post on the blog (forgive me if I don't figure it out) is of Cole and I hiking in Yosemite National Park - a great trip we took as a family - spending two nights in Yosemite View Lodge and hiking/snowshoeing in the off-season. What a great time to go - not many people and beautiful scenery.
We just returned home from a week in Florida, visiting family and enjoying the Tampa area. We were also able to view our second space shuttle launch, Discovery - this is also Cole's second shuttle launch - miraculously, we always seem to be in Florida when we hear about a launch - so we drive to the Space Coast and take advantage!!!
Nic turned 31 yesterday, so we spent the morning and early afternoon wine tasting in Sonoma Valley. Not only did we check out a couple new wineries that we thoroughly enjoyed, but we were able to visit a couple (Viansa and Cline Cellars) that we had not been to together since our wine tour from San Francisco in November of 2007 after I completed the Nike Women's Marathon... long before we knew we would be living here!!
I am continually amazed by coincidences such as this in our everyday lives. You would imagine that moving as often as we do and living thousands of miles from family that one would find themselves lonely sometimes, but what those who are not in the military don't understand is that the community is relatively small and even when you don't think you know anyone - you always discover that your neighbor has the same good friend you do - even if you haven't seen that friend in years.
I think that is part of the reason I enjoy my life so much. I love being a mom and I am continually amazed by the things that Cole discovers and learns. But our lifestyle is unique and it requires you to meet new people on a daily basis and I have learned during this assignment to never pass up an opportunity to make a new friend - and that is priceless!
Before we moved to California, I was opposed to the whole idea of the military wife. I didn't think that Nic's being in the Air Force meant that I had to participate - after all, I didn't sign up for it... or then again, maybe I did and just didn't know it. But when you are working full-time and in grad school at night, the last thing I wanted to do was participate in events on-base - probably because we lived 45 minutes from base!! But after moving to California and being 5 miles from the base and becoming a stay-at-home mother for the time being, I have learned to embrace the military lifestyle and take advantage of all it has to offer. I have not been disappointed.
I have a great group of friends here, both military and not and it will be a sad day when we eventually have to pack this house and move, but I know that in time we'll run into many of these friends again.
Ahhhh - now I know that I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of all that has happened in the last year and a half, but I'm not going to dwell on the past - I will probably catch you up here and there through different stories that come up - but for now, let's focus on where we are and the future and hope that it is bright!!
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