I feel like this whole journey through pregnancy and delivery was a test of our family's resiliency, determination, and acceptance.
From finding out that we were able to get pregnant without fertility treatments, to the 20 week ultrasound telling us the baby would have a cleft, to the specialists telling us that there was no cleft, but there was a dilated kidney that would need to be monitored, to the endless nights of heartburn, to the aches and pains from getting bigger while caring for two kids, to postponing my c-section date because of my stubbornness in wanting to have a VBAC, to welcoming my first and only stretch marks the day after that canceled c-section date :(, to asking everyone for your thoughts and prayers to make me go into labor when my due date passed, to going into labor the night before my 2nd c-section date, to 12 hours of labor with no progress, to finally throwing my hands up, taking the hint, and having the c-section...
To the moment Nic was able to announce that the baby was a GIRL...
To the doctors telling me as they stitched me back up that this would need to be my last pregnancy because my uterine wall was paper thin by the old scar tissue and I was extremely lucky that the VBAC attempt had failed.
I have no doubt that this journey was guided down a specific road, meant just for us. We were given opportunities to test our faith in each other, our resiliency and determination as a family, and our limitations. I feel like through all the ups and downs we have embraced both the good and the bad and been able to find the positives, no matter what the odds.
So, now that we are, without question, complete. I have no hesitation is saying that I am thankful for each of the wonderful and unique children that I have been blessed with. My family has taught me more than I could ever fathom and continues to do so on a daily basis.
From trying to calm a special needs child that is dealing with jealousy issues he doesn't comprehend, to answering the tough questions of a 4 year old who is now realizing that because Ella is a baby, Xander is a big boy and why is it that he can't walk and talk. I'm learning each day how to ease this transition and at the same time trying to shape my children into the caring, understanding adults that I hope they will become.
Sure there are times that it's hard to keep from crying. Like after Ella came home and Cole was with me in the living room, out of the blue he told me that we needed to take Xander to the doctor, because now he was a big boy and he needed to talk. But I made it through that first statement, which caught me completely off guard, without losing my emotions and over the past several weeks have continued to field similar questions regarding walking and talking. I'm not naive and I know that the questions will only get more complicated from here, but I feel like this early foundation I'm trying to establish of appreciating the differences in everyone will be the key to future, more challenging topics.
And don't think it's any easier with Xander. In fact, it may be harder to watch him struggle, because I can't talk him through it. Which is exactly the reason I was so stubborn when it came to scheduling the c-section. I foresaw how difficult it would be for him.
Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if your primary care giver, the person you rely on for every meal, movement, activity, drink, etc... All the sudden leaves, only to come back and be unable to lift and assist you, and has a new little baby in tow, it's sure to be a shock. Especially for a child who is just beginning to assert himself, yet doesn't have the ability to understand what's happening.
The whole situation has brought me to tears several times, because I know how angry he was with me those first few weeks and I can imagine how hurt and neglected he felt. But I kept my head up and have been trying my best to carve out time for just Xander and I throughout the day. And I'm really happy to report that it seems to be working and this past week has gotten much better. We are finding a new rhythm to life.
So, as we continue to embrace this new path and cross the rivers as we come to them. I'll keep you all in the loop. But for now, we're enjoying each day, counting our blessings, and looking forward to what the future holds!
