Waiting for the baby you're expecting, waiting for that vacation you just finished planning, waiting for the birthday party next month, waiting for the weekend to arrive, waiting for a date night with your husband...
Why do we waste so much time just waiting and not embrace the simple moments and days that get us to that grand finale?
I feel like I've been getting stuck in the waiting game too often over the last year. Xander has thrown us a curve ball that we never saw coming and I keep falling into the trap of trying to figure out where it's headed, but I'm beginning to realize that if I keep concentrating all of my effort on where it's headed, I'm going to miss the journey it's taking to get there.
We finally were able to see a geneticist at Children's Hospital and Research Center Oakland today. After all the months that I've spent waiting for this appointment and hoping that it might point us in the right direction, we again have no answers. He suspects Xander has some kind of micro-deletion or chromosomal abnormality, but he was unable to tell us what it might be. He's simply never seen another case like this, so he's going to consult with his colleagues and see if they have any educated guesses or know where to go from here.
So, again, we are stuck in the waiting game...
But today, I unconsciously made a decision that surprised even myself. I find myself, after this appointment, completely fine with waiting and not having an answer. I think that I've finally hit the acceptance point in this process.
I'm not saying that I won't have bad days or times when I see something in another child and I get angry that my child can't or may never be able to do what they're doing, but for now I'm in a good place.
I'm starting to find my niche in this new world of ours. I've started a support group/playgroup of sorts for special needs kids and families in the area. I'm hoping to reach out to others that might be struggling with a new diagnosis or the feelings of isolation that so often come hand in hand with raising a special needs child.
It makes me hopeful that through the relationships I'm building in my new world and through my supportive group of friends and family that have stuck by me through this journey, I can embrace the day to day joys of parenthood again and quit trying to predict the future. Waiting is nothing but a waste of great opportunities to experience the simple joys on the road to somewhere unknown. And I'm done.
