I had one of those moments this weekend in what can only be described as the most terrifying experience of my life. And what makes it that much harder to swallow is that it was the result of a few stupid mistakes on my part that almost cost me more than I can ever imagine.
I've said this before, this blog is therapeutic for me. It enables me to process all of the feelings and emotions parenthood and life in general has to offer. I don't sugar coat things and I don't pretend to be the perfect parent. I know I'm far from it. But I share my journey with all of you in hopes that someone will find comfort in the fact that they aren't alone in this mess of a life. None of us are infallible and we need to understand and support one another in that reality.
I've been struggling the last couple days with my "slap in the face" event. I've been emotionally exhausted, drained, but so thankful that I have my children to hug, love, and hold on to. I will be forever indebted to whoever was watching over us on Sunday.
Many of you know that I have what could be called an adventurous spirit. I like to be outdoors, active, exploring new areas, and I don't like to be cooped up at home for any length of time. Well, last week I was on my own with the 3 kids, as happens quite often when you're a military wife. In light of that, I try to do things by myself or with friends, regardless of whether Nic is home or not. Because you can't plan your life part-time and I refuse continually cancel and post-pone things if the jet breaks unexpectedly or the trip is extended. For the sanity of my kids and myself, we try to live life as if daddy were here all the time and when he's not we usually don't change our plans.
Well, after being stuck indoors most of last week, with Xander sick and afternoon temperatures in the 100s. I decided that on Sunday, enough was enough. With the forecast of 106* in Vacaville, I packed up the kids and headed to Berkeley. It's only an hour away and there is large park we've been meaning to explore that has a lake and a swim beach and the temps in Berkeley were only supposed to top out at 84*. It was going to be the perfect day.
And the trip started that way too. The kids were great in the car on the way down. In fact, Xander and Ella both slept the whole ride and Cole kept me company with his entertaining questions and comments as always. Once we arrived at the park and found the lake, I unpacked the kids and all of our stuff for the beach and loaded up our double BOB stroller; which I always bring on outdoor adventures when I'm not too sure about the terrain because it holds up pretty well to most anything.
So, I head for the beach with the kids and all of our stuff piled on the stroller. It was shortly after 10 and when we got down to the beach area, I realized it wasn't opening until 11 because the lifeguards and fire personnel were conducting some water training. No big deal, I tell Cole we're going to walk down the path along the lake and check the area out before we play on the beach. As we walk along the path we come to a bridge that leads to a dirt path continuing along the lake, so we take it. As we're walking on the dirt path, Cole walks down the fairly steep embankment to check out the water temperature. So I face the stroller to the lake for Xander and Ella to see the water as well.
As Cole is at the edge of the water testing it out, I decide to take a picture. In that moment, which I have been replaying in my head a million times over, I have a lapse in judgement. To begin with, I don't have the stroller leash on my arm, that I always wear while running. Secondly, I don't lock the breaks. As I grab the camera and start messing with the settings, I see the stroller start to creep forward and by the time it registers what is going on, I try to grab the handle and it takes off. The embankment is about 5 feet long, steep packed dirt with large, sharp rocks sticking out here and there until the edge of the water. Once at the edge of the water, the lake is filled with the same large, sharp boulders lining the edges and bottom.
The stroller that is just out of reach is rolling, quickly, toward the water - it was awful... that is the only word I have to describe the moment in which you see the inevitable happening and you have no way to stop it.
As I run after it, I'm screaming "No". Just as the stroller approaches the water, the front wheel hits the line of large rocks at the edge of the lake and the back starts to come over the front and flip. I can't remember exactly what happened, but I grabbed it just as Ella and Xander entered the water and I tried to pull it up, but I was falling over the rocks and couldn't get stable on my feet to brace myself with enough leverage that I could flip it back, so I dove onto the rocks under the stroller. I was in the water, pushing the stroller up by the center bar with both kids soaked and screaming, dangling in their harnesses just above the water. I was screaming, frantically, for help.
I will never forget the feeling of helplessness I had in that moment.
There were several people along the lake that came running to our aid. They helped pull the stroller off me and from the water. A couple of them helped with the kids; watching Cole, holding Xander and calming him, while I held Ella. I was so distraught that I could barely catch my breath. It was awful.
The lifeguards on the beach heard us and swam over to help and the firemen who were training came around the lake and checked out the kids, listening for water in their lungs. Now, as I look back, I am so thankful for everyone who was there. For the people who's names I will never know that helped calm all of my children and myself. For the firemen and lifeguards and park police who were kind enough to ensure we were all ok and help us round up all of our scattered belongings and get back to the car.
My physical cuts and bruises from the ordeal will heal long before the emotional scars of the day. But, thankfully, someone was watching over us and I was able to return home from such a frightening experience with 3 kids that are just as healthy, happy, and content as they were when we left that morning.
I, on the other hand, may continue to struggle with this guilt for some time. It's been a long and exhausting few days, but Nic made it home this morning and I was able to get some sleep and talk through everything. Thankfully, he was kind enough to give me a good 2 days before making any smart ass comments - which for him is pretty impressive.
But, all in all, the theme of this blog is that you shouldn't beat yourself up for the little parenting mistakes. Things could always be worse and tonight I'm thanking my lucky stars that my wake up call didn't result in any permanent damage to my children or myself. For I'm not sure I could have ever forgiven myself if things had turned out differently.
