Busy life, that's my excuse for not writing in so long. There have been hundreds of times I've thought about sitting down and updating everyone on our lives and family, but I like to wait for ideas and events in my life to lead me to a new understanding before I compile and analyze them for all of you to see. Like I've shared before, this blog is a type of therapy for me and a way to keep all of you, both near and far, updated on our family's journey.
The last few months have been filled with fun, exhaustion, and adjustment. First Daddy left on a deployment at the end of July, then Grandpa Gary, Carolyn, Matt, and Mike visited for a busy weekend in Lake Tahoe. That was followed by Grandma Charla and Jim and then a last minute surprise weekend visit from Aunt Shelli and baby Sidney. Finally, after Daddy's deployment was extended a few weeks, followed by another delay with the actual return jet, we welcomed him home the second week of October!
As all of my military friends know, homecomings are filled with excitement, but also challenges as we all readjust our lives, roles, and schedules. It's all very exhausting to say the least!
The last couple weeks with Daddy home have been filled with trips to pumpkin patches, apple picking, football, and family time. But along with all the fun, we also had to dive back into life and reality, which often involves the not-so-fun things as well. We faced another surgery for Xander last week, which is always frightening and difficult, but I'm happy to say that he was again a little trooper and is on the road to recovery.
There are just so many things in life that happen on a day to day basis. Things that we take for granted, but when you truly sit down and examine them, each hold their own miracle of sorts and it's a wonder how we never seem to notice until something reminds us to look at the small stuff. Things like surgeries, illnesses, deaths; these all take us aback and for a moment we appreciate the beauty around us and realize what we've been given and what we truly appreciate in life. But then, we slowly slip back into routine and life moves on. We become caught up in the day to day grind where we lose sight of those small things, until the next bump in the road forces us to, again, slow down, look around, take in our surroundings, and be thankful for what we have.
It's a vicious cycle if you ask me. Life would be so much more joyous and full of pleasure if we could all just stay in that place of appreciation, understanding, and love. But we get worn down and tired and it's not until we're forced to slow down that beauty emerges all around us, that beauty we were just speeding past, not even giving a second glance towards the day before is suddenly so brilliant.
To me, this is the joy that defines raising a special needs child. To others it may seem that life is full of adversity and disappointment. But in reality, life with a special needs child is slowed down in a way. Through their eyes you see beauty everyday that the rest of us only notice in times of loss or hardship. It is in that beauty, that pure, uninhibited joy that you find the purpose of life on a day to day basis and are truly thankful that you've been given the honor to raise such an amazing human being.
The idea for this blog came to me today while chatting with other families of MWS kids. And like I've been told and read a hundred times. Although I love Xander and would not change him for the world, there come moments where the smallest of things happens and you find yourself back in that dark place of loss and grieving that you thought you had escaped. Even though I've accepted and embraced Xander's uniqueness and his challenges. In the blink of an eye, something pulls you back. I have noticed that as time moves forward it easier to navigate my way out, but it always catches me off guard and I always hate that, even for a moment, I find myself longing for the child that I thought I was supposed to have.
A moment just as I have described happened only a few weeks ago. I had a friend over for dinner and she brought her kids. It was like any other night and we were all having a great time. She has a daughter slightly older than Cole and a son, just a bit older than Xander. Well, in the aftermath of dinner as we were all sitting around visiting. Before we knew it, the ottoman turned into a race track and Cole was playing with her little boy, racing cars and trains and airplanes around and around. It was a beautiful thing to watch. They were both having such a good time. After my friend headed home that night and I was getting the kids upstairs for bed, Cole asked if her little boy could come over to play again and although I had felt a tiny bit of sadness while I was watching them play, his question took me over the edge. Just like that, I was brought back to that place of loss and grief over the idea of the family I was supposed to have.
Xander will be 2 in about 6 weeks and sometimes it kills me that he isn't yet able to play with his brother like I had imagined brothers playing at this age. When I was pregnant with him and found out we would be having another boy, I was so ecstatic. Picturing the trouble he and Cole would get into and the relationship they would have. And although I am so thankful for the relationship they do have, because it is stronger than I could ever describe, I still struggle with the idea of what could have been.
Today a mother on my MWS group was at a low point with her daughter's struggles and I found myself offering supportive advice and encouragement. Because that is what we do. When we're at a low point, a time when we sometimes wish we had had that other child, we share our struggles and then we rally around each other and remind one another of the wonderful gifts that are our children. And it helps to be the one pointing out all of their strengths. It also helps to know that we aren't alone and those times of loss sneak up on each of us and it's ok.
So, I want to take a moment to thank all of you. My friends, family, MWS family, everyone for all the support and understanding that you have shown us on our journey and continue to show us. Life isn't easy for any of us, but if we remind ourselves to slow down and enjoy the beauty in our surroundings and the simple things in life, then Xander will have taught us all a lesson. Probably the most important we will ever learn.
