Lately, when I think of this quote, I find myself wondering just what Einstein would have thought of parents with special needs kids. Not only do we do the same thing over and over again, but we do the same thing over and over without expectations of change. Sure, we have a small glimmer of hope that eventually something will shift and that all of our hard work, persistence and determination will not go unnoticed, but we learn early that expectations often lead to hear-ache and disappointment and we tend to steer clear of them.
It's funny. With a typically developing child you hold them to high, almost unattainable standards. Not only do you want them to accomplish the things you have accomplished and value the things you value, but you expect more of them than you do of yourself. You expect them to perform at an even higher level than you did and you expect them to learn from your mistakes.
But, honestly who of us actually learned much of anything from stories about our parents' mistakes? Not many.
We are all individuals and in struggling to establish our own autonomy, will make mistakes, hopefully learn from them, move on, and eventually try to pass that knowledge down to our kids. Who, in turn, will think we're crazy, until they make the same mistake on their own time.
It's a cycle that repeats itself generation after generation. Yet, our instinct as a parent is to put our young child up on that impossible pedestal and convince ourselves that is where they will stay, never falling short of the goals and objectives that we set for them before they were even born.
That's where I find being the parent of a special needs child gives me an advantage. I've already had it thrown in my face that Xander will never meet most of the goals I had arbitrarily set for him. Sure, it wasn't fun and it was hard to face, but now that I have, I'm free to love him wholly and completely for who he is. I celebrate his accomplishments with tears in my eyes because I am so proud. I don't get disappointed because I'm no longer holding him to that unattainable standard.
This week, when he actually held a piece of food in his hand and brought it to his own mouth, without guidance, I could not have been more proud. I get to celebrate each of his accomplishments on a scale that has no context and it is amazing. Had he been a typically developing child, I would have gotten excited, cheered for a few minutes and moved on. But this is monumental for him. It means that he's on the road to independence. Something we hoped for, but never expected, because, with Xander, we don't expect, we accept.
In fact, this frame of mind that Xander has shown me is so invaluable that I'm working to shift that same mindset towards Cole. As a typical 3 year old, he's pushing buttons and exploring boundaries, which can be extremely frustrating. But, I've begun to more often remind myself of how wonderful and unique he is. His strong-will and free-spirit will, one day, certainly enable him to take advantage of many opportunities in life and they need to be celebrated as strengths, even if they are a bit challenging from a parenting perspective.
So, here again, I find myself at this all so familiar place, where I am thanking Xander for teaching us more about life, parenting, and acceptance than I ever thought a 1 year old would be capable of. How blessed we are to have him in our lives.
