Embracing Individuality

Our family has had a busy, yet wonderful past couple of weeks! Daddy returned from his deployment, Xander began sitting unassisted, and we spent a few days exploring the Mendocino Coast!! It doesn't get much better than that. And our boys couldn't be happier, which makes me one happy Mama!

I so wish that we would have been permitted to use our cameras as we welcomed Nic home. It's moments like that, when you see uninhibited joy in the eyes of a child, that make you remember what life's about. We were able to watch daddy's plane land, walk across the ramp to meet the jet, and welcome him as he came down the stairway. All while being buzzed by C-5s doing touch and goes. It was heaven for one little 3 year old boy!

As Nic came down the stairs, Cole's face lit up - he ran as fast as he could past the line of commanders welcoming the troops home and started up the stairs, meeting Nic before he even got on the ground! I realized that as the boys get older, the deployments will continue to get harder to justify and they will struggle more with the reality of daddy being gone, but the reunions will just keep getting more exciting and magical.

Xander's big moment came on Wednesday at music class. Our little man sat unassisted for most of the 45 minute class! His back was straight and he self-corrected as he came close to losing his balance a few times, all while playing with instruments. I almost started crying. I couldn't have been more excited and proud of him for all of the effort that it took to accomplish something that comes so easily to the typically developing child!

The cherry on top of this exciting week was a much needed family getaway up the coast. We stayed in a cute little cottage, on a bluff overlooking the Pacific. The kids had fun playing on the beach and hiking in the redwoods. Nic and I even fit in some whale watching from the car while the kids napped in the backseat. It was the perfect opportunity to regroup and remind ourselves how much we have to be thankful for.

Amid all of this excitement and fun, I also started reading a new book: Far From the Tree. Even though I've just finished the first chapter, it has already inspired me to question aspects of society with regard to parenting and allowing our children to develop their own identity.

As with any book, an educated person takes it with a grain of salt. You examine and question the ideas presented, knowing that the author is motivated by their own biases and beliefs. The facts outlined are probably those that support said beliefs and like anything, there are two sides to the story and contradictions to the author's position are most likely omitted from the book.

Regardless, some of the concepts have been excellent food for thought and are teaching me to appreciate my children for who they are as individuals and not for who I want them to be. One excerpt, in the first few pages really hit home: "Though many of us take pride in how different we are from our parents, we are endlessly sad at how different our children are from us."

Is it not true? That each of us strive for our own independence and autonomy, yet when we have a child the first thing we do is look for physical attributes or personality traits that reflect ourselves? We want so much for our child to be an extension of us and enjoy the things we enjoy and value what we deem important. But they are in fact their own being.

Many people who are unfamiliar with adoption and blended families have trouble imagining how parents can love all of their children equally. It brings us back to the age old debate of nature vs. nurture. What has a bigger impact on our lives and if we raise a child that is biologically different from ourselves, how much control do we have over who they will become?

But in reality, how much control do we have over who our biological children will become? I would argue that perhaps a different amount for each and every child on this planet. We, presumably, will never have an answer to the debate, because due to our own free-will and resiliency, we all interpret and react to events differently.

What is devastating for one person is met with grace and acceptance by another. Each of us is a unique individual, as are our children. Therefore, an adopted child may end up emulating and embracing the lifestyle and choices of their adoptive parents much more than a biological child of that same family would.

Perhaps that is why when a child is born with any condition that showcases the reality that they will never be an extension of oneself, it is so difficult to accept. As a parent, you must set aside all of the dreams and expectations you had developed and learn to see them as an individual with their own strengths and abilities. But it's a process and it is hard.

I think in reality all parents go through this same transition, where you come to understand that the child you created is not you, but an independent, free-willed being that will make some decisions you don't like or necessarily agree with in life.

But, those of us who have children born with special needs are thrown into that reality instantaneously and we must work harder to process it in a much shorter time frame, so we can move on and learn to love and accept the child we have for who they are.

Parenting is exciting, joyful, difficult, stressful, exhausting, and fulfilling 

As with life, you must take every moment in stride, learn from your mistakes and revel in your accomplishments. It is my belief that once you let go of those desires to "reproduce" yourself in your children and embrace them for who they are, you will truly understand what a magnificent individual you have created.

In short, provide your children with a happy and stable environment, do your best to teach them acceptance and humility, and love them unconditionally. Then, sit back and celebrate the unique person they blossom into.

Judgments

Making split second judgments is innate in human nature. 

I always find it funny when people claim that they don't judge others or you hear those sayings "Don't be quick to judge." Well, guess what - we all make thousands of split second decisions about one another within the first 30 seconds of meeting. And, the biggest shocker - THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

That's right - I said it. There is nothing wrong with judging one another. In fact it is imperative to do so for your own well-being and the well-being of those around you. It is when we don't provide education to our children about overcoming those initial judgments and stereotypes that ignorance prevails. 

But, education leaves a fine line to tread. Although you don't want your children treating others with disrespect, you also don't want them afraid to judge. 

In elementary school, I lived in a fairly isolated farm house on a road with very little traffic. We didn't have any neighbors within sight and our driveway was arguably long. There was no clear line of site to the road from our front door, as our unattached garage obstructed the view. Luckily, for my parents, I was the middle of 3 children and we were each just a year apart in age. Meaning that we looked out for one another and being from a small town, there never seemed to be much of a reason for concern anyways. 

One morning, that to this day stands out in my memory, I was the first out the door and headed down the driveway to the bus stop. Spring was in the air and I was anxious just to be outside and enjoy the fresh air before the bus arrived. As I was waiting, a truck that I didn't recognize drove by. Initially  I didn't think much of it, because there were often some random people that drove down our road after they missed the turn at the intersection of the two main highways just a quarter mile away. 

When I became concerned is when the truck returned, driving very slowly, and stopped right by my mailbox. Positioning itself between myself and the driveway leading to my house. Although my initial instinct was to run, I didn't. Looking back, I distinctly remember being afraid of looking ridiculous to this stranger and placing unwarranted judgement upon someone who didn't deserve it. 

After the truck approached, the man rolled down his passenger side window and appeared to be asking me a question, however his voice was very soft and quite. Knowing that something didn't feel right, I held my ground, refusing to move closer to the truck and asking him in a loud voice to repeat himself. He again, seemed to say something, but not very loudly, trying to get me to approach the truck so I could better hear him. At about that time, I noticed my brother rounding the garage and heading down the driveway. My mother was standing on the far end of the deck that wrapped the house, hands on her hips, watching the truck. That's when the man followed my gaze, realized he had been spotted, and sped off. 

I spent that morning making a statement to two local police officers instead of riding the bus to school. The man that I had encountered was feared to be the same who had abducted another girl in the area just two weeks prior to the incident.  

What I learned from that situation, which I will always carry with me, is that it is OK to make judgments and it's important to teach our children that when there is a perceived threat to themselves or others that it's acceptable to act. There is no reason they should feel guilty or bad about casting a negative light on another individual if the situation warrants. 

That's why I get angry when people classify all types of judgments into one category and encourage kids and adults to steer clear of them. 

In fact, there was some internet story circulating a while back that really caught my attention. If I remember right it was about a man, walking down the sidewalk and several people were being criticized for crossing the street to avoid him based upon his appearance. Well, I'm sorry, but if a man or maybe even a threatening looking woman, no matter race or size, is walking down a deserted street towards me, I sure as hell am not going to walk within arms distance of them if it can be avoided. I think that it's important to put your safety ahead of your vanity. And, yes, I may be making a harsh, split second decision that in all honesty, I hope isn't correct, but I would rather be safe, even if I might briefly offend the harmless person on the sidewalk. 

So, I encourage you all to educate your kids. Educate them that there are different types of judgments and not all types are bad. But, if the situation allows, getting to know others that might be different from them and learning that although the child next to them in class or passing them in the hallway might not communicate in the same fashion that they do, it doesn't mean they don't deserve a chance to be heard and understood.

I have seen so many references to and negative reactions towards making judgments in this world of special needs children over the last year that I felt it was important to explore the subject myself. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share my opinion on the subject. And please, educate your children that not all judgments are correct, but there are also situations in which they are not to be ignored. 

Finally, take the time to learn about someone different from yourself. What they will teach you might just be one of the most fulfilling and rewarding experiences of your life.