Busy, busy

Wow - Busy Week!!

I'd like to say that I'm sorry for leaving everyone hanging last week, after our appointment with the Neurologist, we had our usual packed week of doctor and therapist appointments, but we also added a sick toddler into the mix and getting the house in order for Chad, Katie and the kids who came to visit this week - needless to say, I did not get much computer time, let alone a chance to collect my thoughts.

Well, after a packed week of fun with family, in spite of Xander being miserably sick for a few days, I am finally getting a chance to update everyone.

Monday, a week and a half ago, we visited our Neurologist in Sacramento to get the MRI results. As much as I would like to tell all of you that we got some answers and we now know what we are facing and have an idea of what Xander's and our future looks like, we didn't and we don't.

The MRI was pretty much normal. The only thing that was a little off was that Xander has a thin corpus callosum, which is basically the hub of the brain that connects the right and left side - but that is also seen in normal functioning kids from time to time and therefore, it doesn't really give us any answers.

Frustrating?? Yes - in fact, I was so frustrated to have not gotten anywhere that I broke down into tears in the doctor's office. Which makes no sense because it is good news that his brain appears pretty much normal and there are no tumors or lesions or missing parts, but I just feel like we go around and around and we keep going through these motions and we never get anywhere.

Now that I have had more than a week to step back and catch my breath I am in a much better place. This week with family has provided us all with a much needed break from the monotony of appointments.

Thank you Chad, Katie, Brett and Morgan for flying out to California and reminding us of all that we have to be thankful for! Lake Tahoe was the perfect place to spend the first half of the week and we could not have asked for more beautiful weather! The three older kids got along great - spotted some bears, watched the Kokanee Salmon spawning, and even hiked to a castle. Xander held his own in the Ergo and Kelty!

The second half of the week was filled with more fun and sugar provided by the Jelly Belly Factory Tour as well as an exciting private tour of Nic's new jet! Needless to say, I have two exhausted boys, one exhausted husband, and a very tired mommy in this house - but it was well worth it!!

Tomorrow is our day to recuperate before we hit the ground running next week...

(Uncle Chad with Cole, Brett, and Morgan)

Answers

Last night, as I was lying in bed, exhausted and needing sleep, my mind would not be still. I was so close to just rolling out of my comfy blanket and sitting behind the computer screen, attempting to make sense out of the different feelings and thoughts I had swirling around in my head. Needless to say, I did fall asleep and obviously never made it down to the computer or all of you would have had something fun to read this morning - that is certain.

I think the reason I have so many conflicting emotions and feelings this morning is that in a few short hours we have our follow-up appointment with Xander's Neurologist to get the results of the MRI. I know that I have been waiting for this appointment for weeks, but now that it is almost here I am so nervous. I'm not sure why, heck I don't even know what they might be able to tell us from an MRI, but it scary. It's scary that we may have some answers. It's good, but it is scary.

I think knowing what we are dealing with, in a way, will help me accept where we are, where we have been, and where we are headed, but I also think that knowing what is going on - if we do find answers to some questions today, will be hard, because all of the hope that things might change and that he might wake up one day and be like any other 10 month old baby will be dashed.

Don't get me wrong, I know that even if we don't find answers today, he won't wake up and all the sudden be developmentally on track, but it seems that even when it makes no sense, if there hasn't been a doctor who has told me specifically he will never be able to do something and will always be behind, you keep holding that sense of hope that he is just delayed and it may take longer than normal, but eventually he won't be any different from any other child.

Crazy, I know - but that small amount of crazy sometimes keeps me sane, and what am I going to do when crazy is no longer an option??

I can tell you what Xander will do. He'll find a way to make things happen - he proved that all too well this morning as he began rolling around the living room. Yep - I guess some of our physical therapy has started paying off because he can most defiantly roll from his back to his front now and although he still can't sit unassisted, he most certainly is going places!!!