Fighting the fight

Have you ever had that thought run through your mind of "It can't get worse than this"?

Well, I have and then immediately, as if its an omen to the future - I want to take it back. To push it out of my thoughts, my mind, my past. Because I know, it can.

When I look to my children, my husband, my family, my friends; I know it can get worse. Until you have nothing left in this world that you truly love or care about, it can always get worse. The heartache, hurt, and paralyzing fear that come along with the beauty and purity of love is so tangible that it almost feels crippling at times. But that's what makes it so special and true.

I feel like hardships and struggles often lead people, at least they lead me to reexamining my life. Reevaluating what is important and what's not. It's the people, the relationships, the journey as a whole that are important. Although it's often the mundane day to day "stuff" that we get caught up on; when it comes down to it the bigger picture is what really counts.

But, I also think that the bigger picture and the things that are out of our control are sometimes too overwhelming, which is why we allow ourselves to become entangled in the "stuff". Because we foolishly think that if we can control the "stuff", we will then have some sort of influence on the bigger picture.

I also think that coming to these realizations from time to time is essential. It brings forth a "spring cleaning" of the brain, the mind, and the soul. It's hard and it's scary, but it reminds you of all of the wonderful things in your life that you truly are thankful for and appreciate.

Right now, I'm stuck in that mode of paralyzing fear. The fear of the unknown that is all around us everyday, but at some points in life seems to be staring you right in the eye. Staring so hard that basic functioning seems to become a chore all on it's own.

I just wish and pray for answers, good answers, in the coming days and weeks.

Our original plan is working, somewhat. Nic's large chest mass is being decimated by the chemo - which is wonderful. But, the small mass in the pancreas hasn't changed. It hasn't gotten bigger - which is also really good, but it also hasn't gotten smaller; which means that it's not lymphoma. So, for now we continue the chemo to fight the lymphoma, but we start at square one with the smaller mass.

It's a kick in the stomach of sorts. You're happy on one hand because you didn't get kicked in the face, but on the other hand, it still hurts to get kicked. We were really hoping this PET scan would carry with it nothing but good news. Although there is good news and we're trying hard to focus on that, there is also the unknown - again - and that scares the hell out of us.

So, please, continue to pray. We are fortunate to have an amazing support system, both near and far. Thanks to them, know that we are doing well and we will take this in stride and continue to fight a good fight - but, we could use a few extra prayers right now.